Please compare the first version of my opening paragraph with the second. I got some feedback from another writer, and then I revised it. Editing does not have to wait until the story is finished. Writing is a process, and editing is a process.
FIRST VERSION:
It jumped on her again. Rachel screamed, but only a hiss issued from her throat. The shadow pinned her legs under its knees while she flailed at it with her arms. She could see, even though her eyes were shut, the shadow, like a black nylon stocking filled with smoke and twisted into the shape of a man like a balloon that a clown might form into the shape of a poodle. It took hold of her arms and pinned them to her chest, pushing the breath out of her lungs.
EDITED VERSION:
As Rachel lay half awake in the early morning, the shadow jumped on her again. She screamed, but only a hiss issued from her throat. The shadow pinned her legs under its knees while she flailed at it with her arms, yet her physical arms did not move. She realized that her energy body was fighting the demon, while her flesh lay paralyzed. This must be a dream,s he thought, a nightmare. She could see, even though her eyes were shut, the dark form like a black nylon stocking filled with smoke and twisted into the shape of a man. It reminded her of a balloon that a clown might form into the shape of a poodle. It took hold of her arms and pinned them to her chest, pushing the breath out of her lungs.
~~~
